When i was 14, I wanted to drive across the whole thing It’s always been what I really want I would leave handwritten notes, saying things like “thank you” and “please” In all the houses i would wanna haunt When i became a woman, I thought things would be easy But trying to avoid that identity Has drained everything out of me I had ancestors, i know But they weren’t like me, not at all When i was a girl, i talked like a girl I reasoned like there was no world I can’t bring myself to regret my excision I can’t bring myself to accept my decisions And when I leave my home, I will try not to do it alone When i die, i will not do it in the same grave as you When i die, i will not do it in the same way as you There’s not a purposeful way i could live the same way And there’s no way that i could die on the exact same day When i sit down and try to write about something important; I can’t think of anything except you and your face Sometimes i dream a good dream Where you finally put me in my place And it is somehow the worst and best And sometime afterward i feel like i need some rest And if i take a shot everytime you shake your head Then within the span of like, ten minutes i will be dead You keep “forgetting” to send me the messages where you say that you miss me And i know that i was always your least favorite of your friends, i know, i see And i just don’t know how hard it is to be you when you don’t know how to hear, it too I’m never going to hear you in my ears And i’m never gonna see you in my years When i’m driving across the whole stretch of this place And i will never go to space Free association like this makes me crazy And the houses freeing under the hazy Sun What is it like to not have to live for somebody? What is it like to not hate your body I will never know I will never know

When i was a kid, I thought i wouldn’t have to deal With this kind of shit And i guess i was wrong, with that appeal And now I’ve realized what was wrong with me And now if i try hard enough i will be able to see Exactly what i’m going to be like because I don’t know where i am And i don’t know where i will go It’s a good thing, though Because that gives me some options And i don’t regret often But i am usually afraid And kind of anxious that everything i’m experiencing Will go on forever The never-ending and somehow ever changing hatred of myself Sometimes my friends say at least i’m not in hell But i think i’d prefer that, or might as well When i dump my trash in the neighbor’s yard Tell me who does that help in the end? Another community scarred And there are times when i don’t even know What to say when i’m talking to you I am a daughter of a seventh son A fuckup, a nobody But you’ll tell me i’m somebody So i ride by the graveyard and game saves, my future home Slip away into the societal nothing that we occupy alone A history of repetition rejection dissociation with your illnesses and feeling wrong It’s not as hard when you know the rules so you can either take the bus Or drive your shitty car to school You;re one hundred feet away, i could ask if you’re doing okay If i cared enough to say that it was who i am or wanted to be I should apologize to him The circle cannot hold, leaving the wounds i never had Small scabs that everyone i know could’ve picked at If they ever cared enough to notice them at that Rewrite your part before you start to get out of hand I don’t have worth if i am unexploitable am i am I’ll be stuck here for years, i know There’s no way out in this snow I’ll either die early and live out as a ghost Or i’ll fail high school and live here, alone I should apologize to him There’s no point in pretending like there’s a third option I will never get what i wanted I am breathing right now, but it’s stuck in my throat I am trying right now, but i can’t do it all alone Drive, goddamn just drive

These are tears from yawning I’m not crying I’m trying hard to stop the light It’s a pattern we found in your room That feels like years ago And now, we’re filled with holes Emotions piled together Trying hard to replacing the ever changing fear of our bodies East coast sunset Looking at your new clothes and green eyes Don’t forgive me, just forget because We were a dream, it was nice at fifteen Lying to your family I would come over on sundays and clean the house You would come over every night trying to be quiet as a mouse Every friday night, we’d meet on the porch I don’t know how i made it without him You took down the picture of me That was stuck on your wall years ago I missed my last chance to say goodbye I was hiding back in my home Remembering what we’d smoke And now that old house is filled with holes Matter Please let this matter, please let this matter No one can hear this or know that i need it I’ve got nowhere to turn Nowhere to turn It’s been too long since i had the chance to say goodbye You moved on or found a new life You found some nice tall cis significant other And you took them home to your mother And said “hey ma, this is my brother” Matter Please let this matter My bridges are burned And i’ve got nowhere to turn A pair of figures in the wasted sand I’m tired of coming home late Someone will listen and take I’m tired of coming home sick Please let somebody care about this

I didn’t know that she died outside your house Whispering “help” on your front doorstep It’s a great regret, because we could’ve been friends We could’ve gone on a trip across the USA We could’ve got married on a september Monday Or we could’ve at least known we were out there. You didnt know how close I was to her Asking whether I knew her Crying at your mother’s funeral at the front row I couldn’t help anything, that i did know So I just sat across from you and wished I said something. I’ll be wondering what just happened When i’m living in Manhattan And i’m talking with friends and laughing And i get that tinge again of Was I really a girl all along? I think i’m better off androg But i can’t tell i’ll have to see What is waiting out there for me Or i could die before i ever get to it And i guess that’s okay because i didn’t wanna do it You said “you don’t know what you did wrong But i’ll write and keep it in this song So you know, and never forget. Hey Louise, why don’t you cut the shit And tell me who you’re writing these for? If you’re done taking care of yourself Why are you still fighting this war?” And i gotta be honest, i couldn’t say For anything beyond this is the way I’ve been told i’m supposed to live And once I'm gone, what can I give? My life, ended in suicide I’m on a fault line And soon it will break And when i wake up tomorrow, you will not know my name Because it’s been decades, and i’m still to blame No one else knows this like me, that i know is the same. Avert your eyes from my body One last time i will say i’m sorry It doesn’t feel wrong, doesn’t feel alright I don’t miss mom i guess this is my life And all this useless energy will just Keep on perpetuating the life that i’m living That will eventually stop, for the best part (ironically, a lot of the time i prefer the company of people who don’t have their shit together to those that do. Maybe it’s because, at my age, I'm supposed to know what i’m doing, or maybe the opposite, that by now we shouldn’t know what we’re going to spend our lives doing. It’s a kind of pressure that I'm just not used to and it’s very intimidating. I suppose it’s the main reason I'm so eager to get out of here, just that I'm uncomfortable with not knowing my future.)

I love your hands I love how they’re covered in tattoos I love how it says ghost on your forearm I love how i keep asking you Is that russian on your arm I love how you stare at the ground as you walk Looking like you got a tv in your sock Sitting on the bench outside the market Why was it warm? Who had been there Oh but it just wears me out, it just wears me out They don’t need me around here And i know that you’re there Where the world went by in the cold air It’s sticking like a broken record The truth is we don’t know anything I love how you make me hate myself I love how you make me feel like i’m in hell I love the coffins lining your back I love the empathy that you lack

I drop one out I bike downtown I get high and come home late at night I walk downstairs I feel your stair I get dressed up and i jump into the lake. He will dump the remaining contents of that backpack Onto the table, and I will take back my glasses if I’m able I drop one out I bike downtown I get high and i come home late at night. I ride around This old-ass town They lit that crop field on fire in 1992. Oh, and now the dog’s awake. I got this feeling that i just can’t shake. I put my glasses down on his nightstand in the early morning Because i found out that being angry doesn’t fix anything So why am I still angry? I ride to the wood Stay out longer than i should I light bonfires and i sleep with my friends I steal a mirbeau card I go to the yard I break into a hotel room and stay there for the night I didn’t see him, but dad did. It’s why I’d rather be estranged than next of kin. Fine line, was it overdose or suicide? Tell my dad he was right all along when my head got hit. Tell Marsh that I’m surprised he stayed around as long as he did. This is how I’ll hide from guilt that won’t subside. I never had a good reason for living. I drop one out, I bike downtown, I get high and come home late at night. I lived downstairs I washed my hair I got out too much to know much about myself.

The last time i thought about you was yesterday Rushing down to the bottom of the staircase It was just in passing, far too early in the morning I drive until i find someplace that makes me happy, i drive until i bash my car into a tree Either way i’m free. Or i’m standing in the golf course Watching snow fall I’m thinking about nothing at all. You knew a lot but you didn’t know that Hours and hours waiting outside Everytime you think you’re talking, You’re not saying a damned thing. Sometimes i wonder when you’re sitting on the floor, if you could even think. Sometimes i wonder if I already failed, and that was it. It always makes me feel really really sick. Sometimes i know i’m in pain, But it’s okay, I’ve only myself to blame. I had no right to be somebody’s something because Goddamn i’m such a jerk, i can’t believe i did anything, Unless i didn’t wanna. Everybody’s asleep but me I’m getting texts from numbers i don’t recognize And something is tearing at my fleece sweatshirt Everybody’s asleep in this place but me And it’s a feeling i don’t remember

All my friends hate me They don’t know what to say to me She told me that i shouldn’t think that i did something wrong Or i did anything cause she doesn’t wanna see my gone But that was a lie. I think i might relax for a year or two Because there’s nowhere that i know i belong Hey god, are you listening or am i Just shouting into nothing? I know she didn’t care But you didn’t have to make her stare I’m just a problem she didn’t want on her conscience I can’t push the blame away, it’ll just make it stay but It’s a sea i’m sinking in but it’s not like i’m climbing to land It’s all a form of performance, pretending to be Something i’m not, like in love or okay or wanting to see What would happen to me if i lived past 18 But i won’t And you know, you always knew Hey ____ what’s your story? What’s with the scars on your arms “They’re from a life I'm trying to leave behind.” I feel an obligation, so i will show you mine Stories traded, we wear the same mind The ground we walk on is built on infrastructure that makes positive change almost impossible The world is dying and there’s nothing we can do, i at least wanna die knowing that you loved me too And at the end of my life, all my regrets Come down to nothing if i can’t resist The urge to blow my brains out and bleed out my love If i dig deep enough Will i get to hell, or will i just burn up? I’m the freak that pretended and fucked up too much When i die, i will be erased My parents will say to my brother and sister That i lost my mind, which is true, that’s alright I was so out of it i thought i was a girl And they’ll make sure they never get A mistake like me, i bet Nobody knew how close i came Or how much i still think about those days It’s not over, it’s only changed You don’t know how much i changed those days You could never know how close i came I miss having somebody to call home Somebody who would text me every evening as i went to bed And every morning when i would wake up I miss being honest with somebody And being able to say that i wanted them Without fear of my life collapsing And when it happens again, When i fall for somebody They will leave And i will avoid their neighborhoods on the maps of my town What happened to you? When did you stop wanting me When did everybody? When i wake up i will tell the most important girl i know i will tell her that there is no reason for her to still love me I miss having somebody who would always want to talk to me Who was enchanting to me, and enchanted by me ________________ hung her coat and her hat on my arms And kissed another woman while i was in the room Today i rode past somebody sitting alone in the park And i wondered if they were having the same thoughts as me I do not want another downward spiral Like when lena left Tomorrow i want to tell somebody how important they are to me But they will never want me how i want them One day i will ride to your makeshift city And i will burn your imaginary town to the ground.

[I. what William said] you had your back turned to me to face the water you were barely sixteen and still not getting stronger your chest was caved in, nothing but bones and skin and blisters on your face i wanted to erase the pain you felt the one on the windowsill i felt the warmth of your skin after all of that, i don't know how to begin what about all those things we did? are we moving backwards, inch by inch a mask of jean, covering you desert dust, a sign you lose i miss you, miss you, miss you desert sand on your jeans a pair of figures traversing the waste land i ask you, "where have you been?" follow me, please take my hand every wednesday night, the road gets cleared i lay awake in bed, i get really scared i miss the days when we were friends i wait for the day when this finally ends i heard you and Elle are fucking all the time i stare into the tv until i go blind you have to know theres nothing anywhere else you couldn't learn to hate over here all the absences in your life will be waiting for you the things that fill them just wont be clear four, three, two i miss you, miss you, miss you i miss you, miss you, miss you i wonder what emery thinks of me i wonder if sometimes he can see see me as i wish to be seen but i know exactly what i have to do don't you? i have to get up, get moving get talking get walking get biking get up get moving get talking get walking get biking but i know myself better than i do i know that theres nothing on that list ill do i know ill try and only say whats true but i cant do that im just a rat i am a bike left in the rain i am a bird, flying through the insane i miss you, miss you, miss you [II. what William's baby said] i hung myself with my guitar strings and counted my remaining fingers by my remaining rings i am alive today because of the beautiful things like what it sounds like when she sings Not that it matters anymore But what you would do, You would do I am in love with you And i’ve only seen your face A couple times in the past few weeks I haven’t heard you speak Since the last week Of july You’re on my mind and all my new friends will leave me and i dont wanna hang out with you three ill never be done whining im going to read now when i dress white, its pitch black outside when i dress black, the snow is all over white i spent my first three days in new hampshire in the care of my best friends parents they didnt know but im sure it was apparent that i was on the verge of death or sleep and when it comes down to it, i was close to being free to convey the truth, youd need more than i ever had to tell everything you wanted me to, id have to know you were glad to know that you wouldnt see me again i had a life, a bike, a boy, some friends its been years, i miss them when i wake up, the moon is still around when i go to bed, the sun starts to go down And I was young, I was thin I had $6,000 and I loved you But that wasn’t ever going to be enough Not ever enough im awake for no time at all and i wonder all the time if i did something wrong but i hate your dad, he looks at me like im retarded when im sitting at the cashiers counter and waiting for my shift to end he tells me to play my music louder i hate how he pretends to be my friend when im putting in my time abd while youre outside smoking or smiling or going for a ride when the time is up, you wont notice me missing when the time is up, ill miss us kissing [III. conclusion] i miss you, miss you, miss you to know that you wouldnt see me again i had a life, a bike, a boy, some friends its been years, i miss them

Please don’t fight She’s obviously not well And it’s alright if you want to stay anyway I understand that it’s hard to sleep With shit like this going on upstairs Well, that’s alright enough i think it’s fair I don’t know what you want me to say They don’t love you, and that’s just the way it is And it’s alright enough But what they did to you with endless shouting from the stairs That’s not alright enough, it’s not fair And it’s okay if you want to sleep in the bed I’m staying awake in case you need anything The soft sob from the room next to mine Leaving your shoes on the floor and aligned I think you should take a walk But do you even know how? I know i’m pushing you I don’t talk aloud You deserve a lot better than you got Someone had to say it, cause it’s true “I don’t know what you want me to say He doesn’t love you, and that’s just the way it is.” No one wants to hear the girl sing lovesick songs Just keep dancing and smiling even if it feels wrong Reading and pretending i’m not thinking about you “We all do what we can, and it has to be good enough, and if it isn't good enough, it has to do.” I guess i have to say i feel alright But i guess i’m just kinda fly-by night Another living irish goodbye Leaving and not saying anything at the exact same time When I leave and come back at fifteen You’ll still be here waiting “I just have too much to live for” you’re saying That’s a lie, and we both know it Won’t you come outside, love? Won’t you come outside? Won’t you please be mine, love? Won’t you please be mine? Won’t you come outside, no I know you won’t