Sioria, lay it out One day i’ll get estradiol and leave this town And nobody will see me ever again

“...We came in…” At midnight, the clock strikes all of the doubles come out and light Their candles, what’s it mean? walking around like a wight getting sick on their jeans At midday, all the doubles congregate in the nature reserve, an invisible gate And they all just act like they’re playing a game it’s 3:00 PM, the doubles get dour; first mistake, the worst of the hour as one does it, so does the other. not a brother, not a friend, not a lover It’s 4:00 PM, things get stranger these doubles know they’re in danger Maybe not knowing, but knowing it’s possible But maybe he was wrong, and we’re nothing more than an obstacle Two of them move, and speak the same way The exact same words, about the exact same day “And then we said it was me, that was in the woods trying to get clean Apathetic or getting angry and saying ‘you’re such a disease’ We’re all doubles of somebody else and we all build our own empty wells” Two more move forward to speak, opening their jackal mouths and their beaks “We all had dreams, i know, a dead dog on the sea As pairs we were united, as doubles we got divided There was something inside us, when we were distanced Something attempting to unite us, with sounds of pistons” And at the end of the earth, the three pairs The Originals, the Caricatures and the Dead Hairs, they sat on a library bench and stared At the mass exodus from their town. some cried, but they did not frown The third spoke, waving their arms, leaving trails of spikes starting off car alarms “Could they ever know what living costed? Eating like a child, drinking like a hostage? How could they have known?”

You were there, sitting on a log I suppose that it wouldn’t take long You hugged me in the bathroom I wish i had the courage to kiss you I’m not sure how this all happened You wrote your number on a paper napkin We walked to the library but you didn’t know Where we were going and you thought i knew A steady heartbeat, showed me that i'm at ease Oh it’s just baby steps, moving past all the things That i’m not equipped to be But baby steps don’t put me at risk like this did Threw his shoe and you laughed like a piston Little moustache above your mouth The only good thing in this small town Those sideburns tell me “can’t we just lie here? Try and kill some time here?” And that’s just what we did, while i was trying to grab a ticket If you keep looking at me like that should I kiss you on the lips? I wish we could just lie here, try and kill some time here Like we did that friday evening, there was no time to do sightseeing I could’ve just told you that i’ve eaten but i don’t have the heart to lie to you I guess i’ve been looking for new reasons to hate you But that’s something that i could never do Do you remember our first semester You had just left her and did not know where to go But i knew you and i knew what you were gonna do Oh it’s just baby steps, moving past all the things That i’m not equipped to be But baby steps don’t put me at risk like this did Threw his shoe and you laughed like a piston Little moustache above your mouth The only good thing in this small town Those sideburns tell me “can’t we just lie here? Try and kill some time here?” I don’t want these good feelings To be one or two one-time things I don’t wanna lose my fillings Or my cut, of the cash That we took from the match Making bets to replace the latch That locked your door Holding you open

I fell in love with you all over again Went from no one to lover to friend Resting my head on your neck at the reserve path’s end Starting up singing once again Had a nice dream where you and i kissed I still remember the taste of your lips Chocolate, citrus and your angel’s lisp Filling in the space that i can’t trick In the dream you said something about your situation “Didn’t you know we’re in the same station?” Going through your process of rehabilitation Not another creation Proud enough of you to give you a hug Dumb luck, i got your dad’s mug Nothing wrong with cutting those rugs Another dumb little bug You’re in the hallway, weighing your options Hand one has a telephone, two is pointing, “you’re laughing” I’m in the kitchen, trying to be silent Scared of what you’ll know Meeting in the library foyer, i’m awake My dream ends, and i see JP’s face Pulled out of that perfect life Back riding into the night Sometimes i still think about that dream Happened, must be a week, Ago, and i know, but you don’t I gotta not be so scared of myself I gotta stop looking at the rug I gotta start looking for that toronto mug In the dream you said something about your situation “Didn’t you know we’re in the same station?” Going through your process of rehabilitation Not another creation In the dream you said something about your situation “Didn’t you know we’re in the same station?” Going through your process of rehabilitation Not another creation In the dream you said something about your situation “Didn’t you know we’re in the same station?” Going through your process of rehabilitation Not another creation We are in the same station

Staying up late watching half in the bag Thinking who the fuck am i and how did i get back Well i don’t know… but i don’t… Right on the edge of concern and anger Just please make some noise at me to work your magic But please, don’t die out to the drone of overflow But we could start a bitchin’ relationship And open up that old red door Talk about everything you wanted That you don’t want anymore You said “Jenna, I am the Boy” You said that you wanted, I can't remember… But you wanted I used to say that i wouldn’t always need you like this But i guess that i’m just gonna fall apart forever and scream until i got dry lips Or fake it until we’re something more, but i don’t see the point in it anymore I guess it’s all for you, the flowers i planted just never even bloomed I’ll do what you do, even though you don’t want it, you tell me not to Sitting alone in the last bits of rain and snow Wishing you were here to watch the show But i don’t know, where you’ve gone If i died right now would my parents put me in a suit or a dress? And i’m guessing that you and Logan snuck away somewhere quiet Because you couldn’t stand being around the lifelines that you create, maybe we’re something you hate But i don’t know (“crazy, toys in the attic I am crazy. truly gone fishing. They must have taken my marbles away. You little shit you're in it now, I hope they throw away the key. You should have talked to me more often than you did, but no! You had to go your own way, have you broken any homes up lately? just five minutes, Worm your honor, him and me, alone.” i hope you enjoyed your time in the limelight, I know I did. Scared to death of what you ended up saying because i thought it was too little, but what do i know? It was one word and I had just no clue what it meant at the time. i don't know."

Waking up to your voice, such a pretty noise Not your name, you’re just some different boy I know i was the last pick of yours I tried to line up perfect words, like they’re for you But i knew you could see through I didn’t need to worry? But there was something that i saw that night Something in your eyes, or seen from tint of moonlight But it’s fine, not a waste of my time Something that JP saw too, when he missed you I guess i didn’t need to worry I want that type of love where we stop going to school because it’s boring And stay inside on all those weekday mornings Stay inside and try to find some way to kill the time Sing in your mouth until we start to lose daylight And you’d make food in the morning And we’d eat breakfast on the dock by the awning When there was time, we’d sit together on the lake There’s nothing much left for us to take And i’m proud to hear that we have been saved And i’m glad to hear that Jonathan left behind the drink But i guess i don’t ever really know what you’re thinking about And i guess that it didn’t ever really matter, or it doesn’t now I suppose that all experience ever did was dispel my doubts For how long, a week or a month, and how? I guess it’s really hilarious how life went, y’know Like all that shit i don’t need anybody to know Like how i left Beth in the dust and the snow And that boy who thought i went insane And i wonder all the time if he misses the rain And another thought i can’t let get out of my mind One hundred thousand million ways i might die I remember the view from the school’s roof, it was kinda nice But it was kind of slow, again these are things i can’t let anybody know Oh, i can’t believe before you i thought i was safe I was bent out of shape, in my most vulnerable place And with all of those people around my deathbed I couldn’t get your taste out of my head Lilac, or lavender, or chocolate and citrus Oh it’s you, that taste from my dreams But when all that is is coming apart at the seams The worst thing to think is the only thing you can get out And all those days i was sitting on your bookshelf I was doing my best to avoid myself

Bethany, four years older With that new sleeve running up your shoulder Not really sure why you wanted me to come over I’m not complaining, i’m confused, i’m not your lover When i saw you for the first time, i didn’t know what was going on behind those eyes Oh beth, I loved you more than i ever thought i could And i guess if you wanted i could die, not that i should Did we even know what we were doing, or were we just guessing, was it pointless? I’m guessing now that there would be no way to tell unless we managed to get disjointed But now there’s something else… (“in spite of you and Jane. And I’ve pulled off most of the paper, so you can’t put me back.”) And beth, you’re standing below the balcony of my house And you’re yelling at me, drunk and stumbling, to come down And sometimes i wondered what you meant by that But mostly i know you weren’t yelling at me, but behind my back And now i know i’m leaving i realize, Someday you and me will meet in some shitty diner on the I-95 You will tell me that i look good, and i will ask if you have eaten We’ll go to some hotel, making sure to put my coat on you even if you’re not freezing And we would talk about how we would meet up in the spring And before i left you wrote NACHAM on my arm But now there’s something else… (“in spite of you and Jane. And I’ve pulled off most of the paper, so you can’t put me back.”) And beth i know that you wanted me to talk about it How the last words i ever said to you were “i feel sick” But i will never speak of the crash, not now or ever again Because if i speak of it, then history will hear it And know without shadows of a doubt that it happened I know that if i never speak of it, then you will never hear it And if i never write it, than nobody can ever read it But i guess if i had to put it anywhere; lyrics nobody would read I died at 14, in january driving into a car And we exploded violently Hearing the scratching and crashing as metal collapsed into metal So fast that i thought it was done before it started There is always enough time to get the creature, to retrieve the pierced ears and the tattoo and the dyed hair Before that time disappears And now that i have died And i have seen the laughing sound in your eyes I know that time is up… (“in spite of you and Jane. And I’ve pulled off most of the paper)

(so you can't put me back) Jonathan, i think i’m wrong We’re not soulmates, you’re just someone else who shares my bong But this 3 aces, that i keep in my phone case Just seems to prove me right to prove me wrong Jonathan, you’re not your face You’re not squished beer cans And you’re not handlace But all that worry you keep deep inside Can’t be healthy, it can’t be fine Jonathan, don’t you know? You’ve got that shine around you, that unhealthy glow But all that worry does not carry itself Because there’s no way to tell When somebody would go kissing that pretty little neck And sometimes i knew where you were headed And i knew we were more than just friends Run home all alone No to’s nor throws So i’ll hide where i can From you or your friends And soon i’ll be all alone once again No longer leaving my life behind

I fell asleep with the television on I check and i’ve missed all of your phone calls Did I sleep through the alarm? Was it late, has the time passed to see you two? Are you guys mad i didn’t get to meet you You’re green you’re yellow, you’re a perfect ring of moods You’re origami paper, i can’t make my mind up about you With a phone in your pocket and beautiful words written on your shoes I love you always, i love you always, mood ring baby But you went to Wisconsin without a pretty girl to sing to you And you said “this is where i want to live my life, with or without you.” I’m not gone i just don’t want to talk I had this weird dream where we had good sex And all my nightmares and worries were just drips of sweat on our bed And the wind blew in through the window and dried them off me And you turned to face me, and spoke to me softly You said “there was a town i lived in where i washed my clothes In the river next to this girl who thought she and i were getting close And she asked ‘are you my soulmate? Are you here to save me?’” I asked are you real? “I’m as real as you make me” Clap your hands when you can Just don’t keep on feeling bad Admit to yourself when you’ve done wrong And you know i’ve done bad a lot I’m so sorry that i left Before i got to tell you what you meant to me Tell your family, tell bella and JP i said hi I hope that everyone’s doing fine I just want to say I know that you’re not okay But i just want to say hi I wanna make you feel fine You are my soulmate, you managed to save me You are real. You’re real as you make me

What if there was this party down at the pier Would you wanna go down or would you wanna stay here But i have discover from you that shoving that beer In front of you only makes things more clear What if i had long eyelashes and wore long dresses You’re in my situation, but what if i’m not into it? Only so many days to flee from that awfulness And i wanna make your life great if you want that What if i had been wrong, all along? What if my fears about being on That chat with your friends Had all come to an end When i received that plush you sewed for me When it comes down to it, i guess I’m an employee of death I’m somebody’s wild guess I’m something that hasn’t been put to an end I never die and i never grow older But it’s alright, and i’m fine I’m doing okay, and always getting better Because i stopped wondering if i had done wrong And stopped with the what ifs, with this song What if i wake up stoned in the school supply department What if i tried to act like i should, but cried on the couch in your apartment? “If you’re not in good health, and you start to feel like somebody else” You said, as i sat up on your shelf “Do not show how it went, and do not tell anybody what you regret” That i loved you before, we were struck by the meteor One day i’ll come back to you I’ll sleep in your bed for one full season I’ll rake over my tracks, and do That one thing i’ve called my reason But any day now, i’ll hear you laugh out loud I’ll make sure you hear me now And you’ll say “Please, it’s in that way you speak That kind of lease you keep on my knees” What if i wake up stoned in the school supply department What if i tried to act like i should, but cried on the couch in your apartment? “If you’re not in good health, and you start to feel like somebody else” You said, as i sat up on your shelf “Do not show how it went, and do not tell anybody what you regret” That i loved you before, we were struck by the meteor

I don’t hang out in your black, shiny hair I don’t really know if you still really care And i try to distract myself, to go over my plans To miraculously think i look good again God, fuck you, and your done-right discount flooring All these wondrously pure intentions just feel so boring. Oh shit, what do you know? My unconditional love is such a dumb joke. I wanna live inside A tiny house in providence, RI I want you to walk into my room And hear me playing nothing compares to you And kiss me real deep and say i love you real loud and then fall asleep on the couch I wanna walk up 24th Street and get a backpack full of weed And smoke out of bella’s bong I wanna live inside A tiny house in Providence, RI With you I had a dream where we fucked on the floor And eventually all your moans became knocks on my door In my wildest fantasy i am kissing you deeply in the quietest way And we fall asleep together giggling, in our favorite quiet place Oh but i can’t make, can’t make a mistake On these kinda ice-skates when i’m your black plastic case For your contacts anymore And i’m a knock on my door Sometimes i wonder if surviving was worth it If all that i ended up doing was wanting to die But if all is going down, then who am i to judge you? If our love is falling around, no one will rise above you. And i know that on some level this has gotta be true Because if you knew me, then i just gotta judge you. If you are going down, then who am i to say, there’s someone above you. (If i lived far, far, away from here, i wonder if i would still desire you, or more accurately being with you, as much as i do right now. Because to me, you’re the thing that holds me together. When i was more confident i told myself, and i told you, though you never heard it, that i wouldn’t always need you like I did then, and do now. And i was wrong. I know that now. It’s a kind of dependency that i know, eventually, i’m going to have to move past, when I leave town, but, fuck, Will… I don’t know what you want me to say. When i say i’m yours, i hope you know it’s true. “Isn’t this where…”)

Will, nine years older Face of clay hardened You said to me with blood on your shoulder, “When it’s all done and all the pills are taken You will look at yourself and think you’re okay” But for now i will paint my face and lips And fingers and toenails in your colors And you will treat me exactly like the opposite of the others It’s funny the way i see you has been changing Almost like you get better daily And we sit in that bed in the alcove above And you say “wouldn’t it be nice if we were in love? The way we want?” But it’s not that easy, by now, will, you know me End of the night of the year I try to tame some of my fear Out of my mind and turn it into something light No resolutions or revelations As i leave the wake of 24th street, With cars tumbling onto me Submerged in your automatic sea Babe, i adore you Does nothing for you Now i destroy what i wanted to be My elise I wake up screaming from my worst moody dream Still thinking of your dark black jeans I can remember and recall Our anniversary in late fall Throw me to your arm so you can be MY ELISE

When i woke up in the bed I saw you walking down into the light Your hair had been dyed red And i saw it on your thighs And i said “what a beautiful sight” You climb back into bed And we fall asleep in that intimate depth Cause i’m only as good as the person i consider my boyfriend I’m proud of you for letting go of the things that make you feel worse inside And i’m part of that list of things you would like to hide Like how you plan to leave this town for good when you find a farm To work on, to live on, to make us both free from harm And maybe if things go good i can patch up your cut arms But sometimes, like hearing good new music and being scared to turn it up I would listen to your little voice and try not to go beyond surface cuts And sometimes i wouldn’t eat more than a few bites And most of the time i don’t sleep more than a few nights And most of the time i wanted so bad to be part of the couple life That i keep just forgetting that the couple life has failed me more than a couple times. And maybe i should be grateful that i hate myself and i miss you But i don’t wanna say the last few years are something i should’ve sit through But i guess since i don’t know if i’m alive or dead It gets increasingly difficult to start living again But i guess if i gotta be honest i’m okay But every time i try to make myself look good it’s another day Of waiting, of hating, of trying again But at least i got you as a friend I will make sure that you’ve got yourself going good, And i try my best to make sure you don’t drink as much as you could And i try my best to make sure you eat and take a shower like you should But i know i’m not your mom and i’m not the bar between you and death, But i can take a guess of how much is left Of our relationship and it’s not the best I know that this is dying but i’m telling you not to forget About how good it felt and what it meant Will, i know that soon there’ll be no marker on your arm But i’ll still try my best to keep you from harm When i woke up in the bed I saw you walking down into the light Your hair had been dyed red And i saw it on your thighs And i said “what a beautiful sight” You climb back into bed And we fall asleep in that intimate depth

It feels wrong to leave you now, when you are still my muse. But i’ll be thinking about how much i wanted you to rest your head on your lap, how dearly i wanted you to fall asleep holding me, when i have nothing. We could’ve started something better, but I have nine weeks until i leave this town for good and i know that i either tell you how i felt now, and see what happens, or leave it ‘til i’m gone. And only one of these is actually going to happen, because I know it, I'm a coward, and I was never worthy of you. After week one, I wondered why things I made for you then, don’t make me think of you now. And i know, deep in my heart, that you are carrying on, like a colorless sky in the morning, or patches of water and leaves on abandoned tennis courts where worms hide. You are rain pouring onto perfect hair and making it glitter in the april sun, you are afternoons spent wondering where you are and what you’re doing. You are the urge i get to rest my head on your shoulder. And you are all these things because, in your own small way, you are an infinity. An endless scent of beauty and rain that makes me wonder how to describe you with accuracy while i lay motionless, and emotionless, in my bed, thinking of how before i met you, i spent two years chasing somebody who knew me, and held onto how i saw the world, but couldn’t share it with me, couldn’t understand how one can change like spring into summer into autumn into winter into spring again, and could never understand the feeling of truly, truly wanting to know somebody. But now i have found you, and i don’t even have the courage to say i want to spend my last nine weeks as yours. I promise myself i would never hold back, and i would be honest with you, and i wouldn’t make the same mistakes. But i know how much time that wastes.

Day one: you are old soil, something i have found and cared for And i have built things onto your back. I have built homes here, and cared for them, and eventually, Watched them wither away when you stopped caring, and then abandoned them. Day two: when i saw you today i realized that i had to let go of that old house that i left on your back. I’m sorry that i left and we ended before we began, Because i wasn’t there when you wanted it to end Because you and them were feeling sad And i couldn’t leave class, So you’re going back, and i never got a chance to say that i didn’t want you to. Day three: i will lay in bed forever thinking about the mistakes that i made And how obvious it’s becoming that i’m just like kade, But i’m only ever kind on the surface And i knew exactly what it means to truly lack courage Because it’s true that without you, i also lack purpose The things that made me happy when i was around you Became as useless as my tunes. Day four: and my songs became as useless as old soil; I don’t know what to do now that you’ve fallen through my hands like oil I lay in bed thinking about what i said so long ago, i’m becoming just like kade I’m destroying things in a drunken stumble, unaware of what’s happened to my friends. I try to open the blinds to see what’s outside but it’s only sunlight so i close them again. I wish you wouldn’t end. Day five: i’m thinking about your hair with beautiful specks of rain in it, A masterpiece in black and touches of technicolor. I’m thinking about how you compare to me, You look like you care so much more than i could ever imagine, But I know it was effortless. You are perfect harmlessness. I want you to be light with me. Day six: i hold my key necklace and i wonder where you are, And how you’d take this if you ever heard it, I stopped going to school because i thought it was pointless, But i guess if anything it’s now that i feel formless It’s so close to the end of the week, and every day It seems dumber and dumber to make these poems when you’re not here to read them, And it makes me feel worse to make songs, when you’re not here to hear them. Day seven: it’s the end of the week, and i feel weak. I don’t feel any better, i just know why i feel bad. I just wanted to see, so badly, that i never cared what had to be done to me. I know when my voice fails, i’ll find another way to sing. You are old soil, something that i have found and cared for and i have built things on your back.