It’s okay, that's all. Kind of druggy But i’m okay with death I just don’t understand why it’s the first thing i think of when something goes wrong And i’m not going to heaven And you’re going to heaven Not even in the afterlife can i have what i want I might’ve wasted all the energy i had on that first song And i don’t even think it’ll be the worst one I know that i can’t have what i want You’re an example of that For so many reasons You’re older than me, you’ve got a girlfriend, i’m sure you haven’t thought about me romantically once in your life I don’t even think i should be writing this I saw you first on the twenty-first of september, two years ago now And i can’t thank you enough for talking to me And there was this one time, where we talked for hours It was after Max had left the granary He was the last person there, so it was just you and me And we read wiki articles about stuff we were interested in And we made fun of stuff And i got to sit next to you and i loved every minute of it It was so calm And i wished i could’ve kissed you right then But you don’t like to be kissed And you don’t like to be touched And i hope your girlfriend knows it And that she respects it Because you deserve that, you deserve so much I remember your inflection, your tone of voice How comfortable you were whenever i sat on the couch with you You asked if i was okay with it And i said i was i never recorded it I was terrified you’d hear it And you’d know how in love with you i am And other fears too stupid to mention Even though everything here is a confession And i’m sure that once i put it out, it’ll make me look bad But that’s okay All i need in my life Is you, my sunlight And maybe that’s too far And i’m going too hard And the horns that will blow at my funeral already do so But it’s okay I didn’t need your help or your love anyway A drunken cowboy, run This symbol that you love You carved it to your arm Now fade outta the dawn And somewhere there’s a place Where it’s warm, and we’re both there, and i’ve got everything i wanted And i know what to do for once to make myself start feeling again And we have sex and it’s nice and it’s not a weird, sweaty mess And my head doesn’t hurt and your head is left alone And we smile at the sky and sleep until we don’t know who we are A drunken cowboy, run This symbol that you love You carved it to your arm Now fade outta the dawn i remember when you asked me to hold your hand and i don’t know if it was part of some plan but i know that in the moment i was too nervous and too young and too stupid to just hold it i had to sit there and sweat while i touched the back of my hand to yours i still regret it what could've started something was wasted on me being a confused idiot my hands were so cold you are the good things you're the sunlight that i search for in the hallway right after i've woken up you're the last ray of moonlight illuminating my room at night you're a song by will toledo that makes me think about the good old days you are the common sense knowing that i'm not going to ever be with you you're the good things

The last bits of my footsteps Will still be here, in a time and place far unknown Pressed in snow after walking home alone And the last bits of your pretty hair Will surely despair But you won’t know You won’t know that I like the empty streets And if my bike is broke I’ll walk and scream I owe you that at least The GPS was broken, so this must be the place Every single face that i just cannot erase I guess the rain hit before i could put the ink in place And where i thought I’d go is not my home And I assessed that scene from underneath your sheets And that’s why i know the last bits of my footsteps impressed in snow Will still be here a billion years in the future unknown It’s a sickening and horrifying realization One that I should’ve made years ago I can be your free hand if you want me to be I can be your best friend if you need me to be I can be your walking and screaming Through the empty streets And tragedy has my heart beating hard Like all the anger and fright put in a jar It’ll be alright when my heart is out of my stomach And maybe I’ll be calmer once I’ve actually done it This time, i’ll do most things right [hey. Can you hear me? It’s alright. You can leave. I’m sober, right now. I’d pass a breathalyzer test, I’d pass a drug test. Even though it’s like an itch that I just can’t scratch. Like that little spot on my back. You don’t even exist… though I understand why you can’t love me. You fell in love before me. But a long time ago, I said that as long as you were happy then you were happy. And there’s nothing else to talk about.]

It was December 23rd i was 14 years old my dad told me to bring my things downstairs "we'll have a talk" and i did just that i brought everything to them let them look through it all and i told them all i could it took two hours he knew everything about me he outed me to my whole family and pretended like nothing ever happened i told him i was going to run away and he didn't care he wanted me out of his life as much as i wanted him out of mine and i guess it's only fair that what i said didn't give me a scare after he threatened to break a bottle over my head and made me wish i was dead "i'm losing it," i said and he just sent me away and that night i was resolute i couldnt fucking stay i got a roll of 50's And i started walking the lawns of my neighborhood I didn’t bring my phone, or my laptop I memorized the route So i started walking the lawns of my neighborhood And then the next one, and the one after that It was cold, after an hour, i almost went back and i readied myself to hop on a bus and when i got to the depot i turned tail and ran i'm there, and i'm alone i'm so sick of this i want out of it but we don't always get what we want and i split myself in two every morning i wake up And i wonder what it would be like if a piece of me could stay here And another could live free without fear On the road, my dad offered me a beer And i said “no” i feel like he was gonna trap me If i said yes In a room with speeches and contests i can’t win Trust me, i don’t think I just bleed out iron and useless faith You believe me, when i bleed Because it’s a red river of numb hate and i know i gotta stay put there's nothing worse than being chained down i know that now this friday i'll take acid or mushrooms and i'll walk around i know that now my dad told me something on the second of january that he was happy that i was meek and there is nothing in this world that made me feel as week he wants me out of his life as much as i want him outta mine and if i tried to ask why id just as soon be dead there's no reason this song should be called anchorage but it still is

There’s something in the bottom of a swimming pool It pushes my throat through my neck I noticed you have a type One that i could never be Because I am not that tall And I’m not that goth And when you look at me there’s not a lot to see I wonder how your fighting’s going I wonder if my parents know what I’m hiding It’ll probably take a little longer Holding out is harder than lying How low is your self esteem? How low do you possibly feel? And you probably know I’m in love with you So you can’t ignore me I will stop cutting my shirts into tank tops I will face the real repercussions of every lie I’ve told I will sing the songs that I know you like And then you’ll tell me “I wanna be alone” For the rest of your life Oh, but it is probably just my friends messing with me Yeah, it’s probably just my friends messing with me And if you don’t say the words or make any noise Because you wanna keep us quiet I’ll still know exactly what you mean And ___ cut his hair in his room He gave himself a mohawk And I am a result of the culture that we both create I am the last thing alive that you really do hate How low is your self esteem? How low do you possibly feel? And you probably know I’m in love with you So you can’t ignore me I will stop cutting my shirts into tank tops I will face the real repercussions of every lie I’ve told I will sing the songs that I know you like And then you’ll tell me “I wanna be alone” For the rest of your life Oh, but it is probably just my friends messing with me Yeah, it’s probably just my friends messing with me They never let me say a word They always loved to, they are probably just messing with me

[I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM I DONT KNOW WHERE I WILL GO!!] dont trust me, fucking think drop your backpack and throw away your drinks when we were together i didn't have to worry about anything we shouted out like the land was ours and you screamed "holy shit!" she swept you off your feet cuz it wasnt fucking me because we only spent two nights or spilled liquor and a room filled with sex and smoke smells that still make me choke when i was done, with a dry throat I didn’t know, couldn’t have guessed and youre the hit i shouldnt take i could tear myself apart and give one piece to you and another could leave this shithole and find someplace that was true we went down to the bottom of the hill and you sat me down and you said “lou with a strong enough will we would be real” or something like that don't bleed, just think i'm only losing because i'm not myself turn to drink and alleviate the pain inside a numb hell NOTICE ME looking at your eyes Before i’m too far away Because I keep dreaming of the library And how it is an everywhere And things grew more complicated Books and fanbases Friends aren’t friends in polyphony Noise that I can’t hear surrounds me i've run into your problems with progress you look me in the eye and say "you're not what i wanted, and you're definitely not what i need. leave me alone and keep going soullessly” you put me too low and i fell nowhere to go I can fit one to the other, it just feels bad It just feels bad to me i change my name and dye my hair and maybe i'll think the odds are fair maybe it's crazy that you left and i stayed i'm not your secret keeper but it matters because those weren't the plans i laid and i couldn't help it if i stared as you backed out of the parking lot Were you hoping a path laid out for an escape, miles n miles long? at the most you pity me when you respond and i'm breathing in the lack of air in my lungs There were two of me And one of them will say “Marshall?” Way before now x a lot Do I leave my soul for you to keep? or keep living soullessly?

where are you right now? did you finally take a rest? if you didnt, tell me how heres your bed i hope you enjoy you live in a fantasy nothing will hurt you anymore because in your neighborhood, the sun doesnt set i hope you enjoy you mean something to me the symbol of the good life ill never achieve pain is real somebodys here for you and then theyre not and its not for making music about its not about making into art they say some disasters are natural and good but as i feel the catastrophic consequences of my actions, the sadness is not natural or good its dumb, and i dont wanna learn anything from this. after you, i had so may chances to do all the things i would need to do but im an omen, im bad luck i dont deserve it, i dont give a fuck i guess after so long avoiding it i come to the root im never going to stop loving you last time i talked to you i had just turned 14 now im older than that, but im still joining the parts of myself i cant describe with the parts of me that shouldve died why not sever myself? cut off the parts that wont work anyway while i watch over your grave why not sever myself? cut off the parts that wont work anyway while i watch over your grave why not sever myself? (become the one you wanted) cut off the parts that wont work anyway (become the one you deserved) while i watch over your grave (live in the houses you haunted) why not sever myself? (you are the one i hurt) cut off the parts that wont work anyway (become the one you wanted) while i watch over your grave (become the one you deserved) why not sever myself? (live in the houses you haunted) cut off the parts that wont work anyway (you are the one i hurt) while i watch over your grave (become the one you wanted) why not sever myself? (become what, you, you let me) cut off the parts that wont work anyway (let me in, let me in) while i watch over your grave (let me in, let me in) why not sever myself? (let me in, let me in) cut off the parts that wont work anyway (let me,) while i watch over your grave LET ME IN and if you dont remember my name if you never saw my face then let my hand take their place cut my fingers off replace what you must but if you take me for a fool ky never told me whatever happened to you?

i used to like the mornings id have messages from the night but when all your friends have left there's nothing to write id stay up late at night until dad told me otherwise hed eye me up and down and tell me it was bedtime and in the morning id go for breakfast in the garden and feel my skin unfold in the sunlight id wish i was wearing dresses at the right time but when you're not here to tell me to go to bed there's nothing to really write if only i could sustain this feeling make it grow to a point of asking ky "does he miss me?" I hold my pillow tight Now, it happens every night But with no one to tell you they’re here for you I can’t feel like i feel right And maybe you think i can learn from this mistake No, this time, it’s what's gonna break me If only I could sustain this feeling And i can find in it some sort of meaning It’ll remove the weight of everything i’ve done And drag me to hell But if i had my way Would I have done what I did? And if it was my choice, would I have let you live? And if i’ve lost you, for good It had to be this way You hated me for years Not even i could’ve wrecked it all in a day I wish i could go to bed But i’ve forced myself into my sorrow And if all goes well, i’m not waking up tomorrow I know i have to go down with this No one’s waiting for me here I deserved all this shit I’m trading heartache for fear I lost, it was meant this way [spoken: it was the most expensive mistake i’ve ever, ever made. And for all I know, your blood is on my hands for no goddamn reason. And it was all my fault. For all i know, you’re dead, and she’s dead, and everyone i’ve ever loved is dead. But how was I supposed to know? What was I supposed to do when I dropped my amp on my feet? What was I supposed to do when mom asked me what I was drinking? What was i supposed to do besides ride a bike and fall down and hurt myself? What was I supposed to do when I had to make dinner for myself? What was I supposed to do besides get high every day after school, on the weekends, hell, in the mornings? (how was i supposed to know how to get you back? How was i supposed to know how to get you back?) how the hell was i supposed to know? It was an expensive mistake, and i can’t say that i’m sorry, now that it’s all over. I have this body that isn’t mine, with friends that aren’t mine, and I was given a mind that can’t work itself, (and what about what’s happening to me right now?) and how the hell was i supposed to know how to get you all back? (and vacation by a lake didn’t make me feel good) and what about another fucking vacation to make me feel good? They killed me to get to where they are! And how was I supposed to know? Because god won’t forgive me, and you won’t forgive me, not until i let the lies coalesce and i open up, and how i am i supposed to do that, when i sleep in that same bed every night, holding my pillow with a grip that could kill someone, wishing it was you, the same bed, with the quilt and the dozens of pillows! And I sink into it and I feel like I'm dying, and the sea I'm drowning in right now is too familiar. How many times have I died here? How many times have I died? How many times have i died?] I give up I give up Jesus died for someone’s sins And i know how it feels to be called When you’re fast asleep And then we were divided it was someone beside us But it was not because of us And i wanna go back to where i wasn’t him And we were united, completely undivided And then we were separated it was someone beside us But it wasn’t for us I was so naive I practically told you to tell me a lie that i’d believe I wanted control here, but that is normal Cause i’m not living, i’m surviving I haven’t made decisions, because my parents have been deciding My life’s on the line, i’ve committed social suicide for the second time And i’m giving myself another chance Because you’re wanting another dance And now we get all our shit for free And on a bed of trash we sleep Avert your eyes from my body One last time i will say i’m sorry It doesn’t feel wrong, doesn’t feel alright I don’t miss mom i guess this is my life And all this useless energy will just Keep on perpetuating the life that i’m living That will eventually stop, for the best part I give up I give up I wanna go back to where i came in United for a revelation So scared of what i’d say, i’d cried And it was me Stopped at your line, stripped my disguise And listened to a record that won kendrick a pulitzer prize It was alright, i saw myself in it And i was disturbed at what you led to And what the likelihood was that you’d find out the truth And now i have become one of you I give up I give up I give up I give up I give up I give up And you woke up shaking From an imaginary world where i drowned out in the river I wake up and hold you tight in my arms I love you so much

I don’t want this feeling or this baggage I don’t wanna have to tell people complicated stories About who i used to be and why i’m different And look like someone else completely I wanna fade into the background I wanna be conveniently fragile I wanna feel better knowing something Is gonna go my way But I don’t know how you like your hair cut Or how you like your tea And i guess it’s a tiny unimportant detail But it means something to me And don’t cry my love It stopped hours ago And when my arms become smoke Will you still be here to hold? I can feel my body breaking down you're in my head making change like all the revolutions you lead you're the friends of my friends that i don't see you're the vonnegut book i never read you're the bedrooms of my parents you're the bedrooms of those friends you make me wonder What the hell happened to them? and in the inspirations you made and in the foundations that you laid i stare out of my window and watch you run from home and know youre alone and i think of my parents and my parents friends and i wonder what conclusions they've read and i think of my parents What the hell happened to them? but all of this is made of shit nothing i said was what i meant and i wish i could be a hero and stop all your torture but i can't i guess this is all i can do and i gotta make peace with it i have to make that commitment and it's dragging me down i tried to do it once but it didn't work out i'll get it right this time

stop writing for other people stop pretending that youre not evil and if these songs mean so much to you why dont you tell the people theyre about, that, too my friend sam said that id be fine and overwhelmingly, my other friends tell me im alright im logan's comfort person, and im a close friend to em but if thats the case i gotta wonder, what the hell happened to them? youll talk about me the way you talk about gianna but its me, the one you pity, you have to hang out even if you dont wanna and i hate myself for that i tried to make myself seem better to all of marshalls friends every time i try even a little bit i can tell they want it to end what if i just wanna be left alone? did you ever consider that? did you ever think about the fact that i like being home i cant hurt anybody like that because hurting people is all i have left so i wanna be better at hurting than anybody else and i hate myself for that you shed your skin, just like aiden did like bellas anger at being another piece of shit and when i was walking i thought to myself, "what if they all get angry over nothing?" but i never thought about what itd be like for them to be angry over something and theres nothing in plymouth for me that i couldnt learn to love here true love wont be waiting for me when i get back nor would any of the things i need but i lack and i hate you for the things you never did all the times you never helped me out of the shit and all the times you loaded my guns with blanks and when i fired there were just ten more of their ranks and maybe i do hate emma as much as i love you for all the things she did to hurt you for all the times she pushed you to booze for all the times she called me a dude for all the times she hurt you some people deserve redemption and i hate myself for that i hate myself for that and i am quite happy to let things fizzle out to never respond and to let them doubt if thats what it comes down to if thats what it comes down to why not sever your connections? climb your mountain on your own why not tell everybody you know with no metaphor, exactly what you think why not tell emery? i hate myself for that william, one shot two shots if you dont understand the meaning what the hell are you feeling william, one shot two shots hold me tight, all through the night william, one shot two shots just hold me, whoever you may be understand the meaning and know what you're feeling all i know is that i dont love my friends enough to stay and all i know is if i dont leave now, i will never be able to get away and all i know is you can never go home again

Hey please It’s the way we speak Forming our words so easily And i think of how we were Thinking of now and how you call me ‘her’ You’re all that keeps me sure And i remember a message i wrote to you And though I never sent it, I sure hope i do “I haven’t stopped crying My mom’s always lying Dad called me a fag I need somewhere to stay And i remembered you always said Your home was open to me There’s just nowhere else I can be” And i read it over and said “no, It can’t be like that at all” I thought of the bottle And how we drank it It’s okay i promise That’s what you said I don’t think that’s what you meant I sleep in my grave all called a bed I cried and sought my death I remember the way you looked at me at the store It’s a shame we’re not soulmates because i swore That felt pretty good And how could I ever be scared When i look to the left and you’re there So go to sleep babe And we can talk in the morning And if I wasn’t such an insufferable narcissist Maybe i could have been a better partner And maybe all my songs could have been a little Less literal And then i woke up in the hallway Sunlight shining in my eyes And through all I can’t imagine I imagine I survived I can feel your presence their When i walk to the ____ and give it a stare

There is a chest, made of skin and love And it houses Pictures of broken glass and the lake On which i once lived Before, when you were younger And i did not exist Before, we learned how to drink or think about drinking Your step became a stumble even more every day Every time, you would break your beer bottle The scabs became your skin An addition of hate, or pride, for the wasteland Of clogged traffic we live in But even worse, than any of that The future you want, the future you see The one that you are completely okay with I could wait up when i’m sick For you to ask why i was not at school But it’s something that you are completely okay with You’ve been standing outside my apartment I’m sitting on the couch and i cannot see enough of it You’ve been standing outside my apartment I’m sitting on the couch and i cannot see enough of it Tell me, in all honesty, nicole Where do you see yourself tomorrow Do you worry after school each wednesday, If your friends will not be there to help you? Do you wonder, every friday, Where will you sleep tonight? Where will you sleep tonight? Your sanctuary is March 12th, 2020 When i insisted on not letting you near it You’ve been standing outside my house I’m sitting on the couch and i cannot see enough of it You’ve been standing outside my house I’m sitting on the couch and i cannot see enough of it I will not speak of us ever again Because if it isn’t spoken of Then history will never know it happened If you never hear from me again Then no one will know about me Then no one will know about me Do we know the truth of every step we took? Only if it’s never said Only if it’s never said Forgotten when it isn’t told Undesired and alone There is no story left We’ll meet up in some hotel bar Be it fancy or in the middle of nowhere And we will comfort each other Like we never got the chance to before i said goodbye You’ll beg for it to be just like the old days But there were no fucking old days So it won’t be the fucking old days, No it won’t be the fucking old days Only now with nothing in our hearts And something called a blank part Will it be better than before? Will it be better than before? Have we practiced with others Or will we be too nervous, caused by that exact thought Will it be better than before? Will it be better than before? Will it be better than before?

There’s enough left Of my nonsense To digest Maybe i needed you, But i had so much more to lose And now i guess it makes sense That we’re both recluses. And i cut it off with you when I couldn’t tell the difference between no use and too cute It’s just not that easy to be around you When winter ends, i’ll hit a wall And ride my bike into the fall Because that’s when I had it all I wanna lay down and melt under the sun I wish i could sleep until the year is gone I wore my throat out by screaming my way down south to Carolina As life sinks its teeth into my throat making me breath in stones Oh, but our shoes don’t last too long in this town The gravel grabs at the soles And when we find our way into the city The sidewalk will make us grow old And I’ll make sure to die before i reach thirty Or what if I just disappear? If it’s easiest to forgive and forget Let it all just disappear And don’t forget everything you said About not telling anybody what was happening to us And when you left, said “DON’T FORGET ABOUT ME” Honestly, even if I wanted to, do you even think I could? And it’s getting cold here in plymouth county The snow is blocking us in And the preachers at the church’s front is funny Claiming it’s punishment for sin I light my lighter under my hand to feel the flame It’s dark in my room and i need something to heal the pain I check behind my bed for a bottle of liquor i used to keep there But then i remember the promise I made that I’d stop drinking So i wouldn’t turn into you But don’t focus on that It could be next month or next year But we’re goners, let me go (maybe someday you will love me, but i don’t think i can wait.) It was snowing in plymouth county Enough to lock us in our homes Our houses became tombs And we were destined to die alone And when i look out i can almost see Where we were sitting The day before we died Tucked under trees in the reservation Wondering why we can’t be alive When the heat gave out in the county We wandered into our graves I screamed until my throat turned out If i could just have another day (to say goodbye) And pot didn’t do a thing Just like Marshall, it made me sick if anything But when i used it i was smiling Because at least i was with someone I know that he’s better than he thinks he is Maybe I should give him a call Before i drop out and think “jesus, Is this where I was meant to lull?” And I’ll sit in the very back of the bus Spread out and make myself comfortable It’s a long way from Plymouth to Maine And I open myself up and spill the last of my brain onto your head To bring you back from the dead Because I would do anything To have you around instead of me And soon enough, when i get fed up That’ll be how it is, after I leave Unaware of the bleakness Of the outer world I’ll have to figure things out Before I become a girl It was snowing in plymouth county Enough to lock us in our homes Our houses became tombs And we were destined to die alone Am i imaginary? Or am I just too quiet For people to notice me (Booker, are you afraid of god? No, but I’m afraid of you.) You wrote me off, i called it funny We took you home, in polyphony I made friends with your nonexistent presence But when I was alone, it was just silence Your cozy stare had my eyes feeling nice I missed you most on the nights i could sleep Oh, but i never liked sleeping with strangers When I consider it, it seems fine But when I get there you’re on my mind So, no, i never liked sleeping with strangers I’ve been following into moonlight But indifference’s shine is too bright If i make it outta this, I’ll be blind. I wander on and on and on and on and on And i could see you above the line of trees Covering the reservation’s outline And I'm screaming out “I love you!” like the words are mine Like where have all my friends ended up? You got a big heart, i admit But it’s unhealthy, so give it a rest Keep close to your chest like the impostors we are It’s funny, but it’s not good I’m closer to nobody in my life If only we had something to grab onto That didn’t make us wanna die! But none of it matters now I’m held together, poorly stitched at times I can make it through light weather As long as i tell myself I’m alright I know it really sucks I got tired waiting when you went away But I just can’t hang around too much For you to just stay in the same place I’m terrified to say that there’s nothing left When i think of you, i can’t even picture you in my head There is dirt on my palms For every unused drug Caught me sleeping, sure Tell me you’re leaving, sure I’m just fucked up, and I miss everyone I thought you loved me I thought you wanted me to heal All your lovers are gone The songs have stopped and laid silent You’re sinking like a stone in a tideless ocean The river doesn’t run anymore Your fight is over Still the ruins of what you used to love Are calling out for you

Are you there? Are you awake? Did you cut your hair? Are you falling asleep to the rain? Maybe someday you will love me But i can’t wait around The fight is over