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I Will Never Know

from Lungdove by lungdove

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lyrics

When i was 14, I wanted to drive across the whole thing
It’s always been what I really want
I would leave handwritten notes, saying things like “thank you” and “please”
In all the houses i would wanna haunt
When i became a woman,
I thought things would be easy
But trying to avoid that identity
Has drained everything out of me
I had ancestors, i know
But they weren’t like me, not at all
When i was a girl, i talked like a girl
I reasoned like there was no world
I can’t bring myself to regret my excision
I can’t bring myself to accept my decisions
And when I leave my home,
I will try not to do it alone
When i die, i will not do it in the same grave as you
When i die, i will not do it in the same way as you
There’s not a purposeful way i could live the same way
And there’s no way that i could die on the exact same day
When i sit down and try to write about something important;
I can’t think of anything except you and your face
Sometimes i dream a good dream
Where you finally put me in my place
And it is somehow the worst and best
And sometime afterward i feel like i need some rest
And if i take a shot everytime you shake your head
Then within the span of like, ten minutes i will be dead
You keep “forgetting” to send me the messages where you say that you miss me
And i know that i was always your least favorite of your friends, i know, i see
And i just don’t know how hard it is to be you
when you don’t know how to hear, it too
I’m never going to hear you in my ears
And i’m never gonna see you in my years
When i’m driving across the whole stretch of this place
And i will never go to space
Free association like this makes me crazy
And the houses freeing under the hazy
Sun
What is it like to not have to live for somebody?
What is it like to not hate your body
I will never know
I will never know

credits

from Lungdove, released November 24, 2021

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2019-2021

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